Life, or something like it.

Alright, some of you will get this right away, and some won't, but here's my song of the day (week):

"Way Away" by Yellowcard

I think I'm breaking out
I'm gonna leave you now
There's nothing for me here,
it's all the same
And even though I know
That everything might go
Go downhill from here,
I'm not afraid

Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe (Feels to be alone and not believe)
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

You can't stop me now
You can't hold me down
You can't keep me here,
I'm on my way
I've made it this far now
And I'm not burning out
No matter what you say,
I'm not afraid

Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe (Feels to be alone and not believe)
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

Letting out the noise inside of me (Letting out the noise inside of me)
Every window pane is shattering (Every window pane is shattering)
Cutting up my words before I speak (Cutting up my words)
This is how it feels to not believe

Letting out the noise inside of me (Letting out the noise inside of me)
Every window pane is shattering (Every window pane is shattering)
Cutting up my words before I speak (Cutting up my words)
This is how it feels to not believe

Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe (feels to be alone and not believe)
Feels to be alone and not believe anything


Today is one of those days when I just wish I could go driving, with the music loud enough that I can feel it in my lungs. I want to be able to relax, and enjoy life, not to have to be responsible. I wish I could freeze time to give myself a chance to absorb all that's happened to me lately, but I can't, so I keep getting bounced from one extreme to the other, until I feel like a ping pong ball. To make it even better, half the ppl I know are also having issues right now, which makes get togethers interesting to say the least! Speaking of which, troupe mage game was last night at my place, which means that today I get to go home and clean, blah. I usually don't mind that much, but I feel drained right now, and cleaning isn't an activity that I enjoy, regardless of what ppl might think (obsession doesn't equal happiness, remember?). Today, I have more ppl coming over, although a bit later this time, just to crash after game of the month, and I think until then I'll hide, since I'm feeling really anti-social right now. I love my friends, but I'm starting to think off running off to a cabin in the woods again, so before I start going on a rampage, I'm going to take some me-time!

Introspection 101

Wow, 2 in a row. Who'd of thunk it, eh?

I guess what brought this on, was my driving from school to work, and wandering why I was having such Wisconsin (Pandy's invention as in Seamus isn't allowed to move to, because it doesn't exist) momment this past weekend. We did Tarot readings while the three of us were together, and I didn't like what the cards seem to be telling me. On the surface, it seems like it'd be a good idea to find someone who's a perfect match for you, but I realized on the way to work, that I'm afraid of finding someone like that for me. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have major trust issues left from my divorce, and the reasons behind my divorce. I really don't think I'd be able to handle trusting an SO to that point. I also would hate to have anyone have that kind of control over me again. Been there, done that, and it's a lot like being eaten alive!!!! Poets can write about love being great and wonderful as much as they'd like too, but it really isn't. It truly is much closer to OCD, which I know well, as I have more than a touch of it. Being compelled to check your email every 5 mins, to see if he's responded to your last email, or your phone to see if he's called you, is no different from being compelled to check your stove every 5 mins to make sure you turned it off. I don't want to want to dress up when I know I'll be seeing him; it's really a pain for me to do so (I really hate mornings!!!)! I don't want to feel compelled to smile everytime he smiles, regardless of whether he has the best smile in the world or not. I don't like the fact that I've grown to like his voice, and I don't want to be able to close my eyes and see his face! I like being independent, and answering to myself only. I don't like the thought of someone else in my life that I'll want to please enough to ignore my own needs. I already had that, after I made the foolish mistake of actually wanting a relationship that strong (be careful what you wish for...). So, I guess I'm a bit of a coward in this regard, which I never really thought I was in regards to anything. But I'm truly afraid of what I'd be like if I found my *perfect* man, and so I say Wisconsin!!!

green growing things rock!!!

ok, I've been yelled at for not updating, so here it is. Green growing things rock!!!! You can see some of what we took *many* photo's off here: http://www.phipps.conservatory.org/index.html, though I was surprised that Pandy didn't want to borrow the extra camara, and Obrseamus was taking pics instead. It's the best I can do, since I didn't take the digital camara, so I won't be posting pics online. It's the orchid exhibit right now, and orchids are my favorite flowers, ever. If I didn't have cats that would chew on them, I'd have some, but.... Also, right now the train room, which I usually could care less about, has a cute archeology dig scene setup, so I took pics for my folks, both of whom like trains, and will probably like the scenes as well. Pandy was bouncing around as much as I thought she would, and it took much dragging to get her to leave some rooms. The trip went fairly well, all in all, and I'll keep both the sights and scents wrapped up in my bran until my next visit, since it has turned freezing outside again. Florida, anyone? Maybe Hawaii instead, eh?

Other than that, I wasn't feeling well on Sat (ie, my schedule is wearing me down), so I took a mental health day from work, and spent the day with Pandy, Obrseamus, and Shinma (somewhat), and returned to work on Sunday feeling much better (hey, if I say it often enough, it may become true :P) I enjoy time around them, but it sometimes befuzzels me that I'm able to be a subtitle machine for at least two of the people involved, and they don't seem able to do the same back :-)

Today, I'm back at work, and since all four of us have gmail, I've actually been able to talk to people today, which has eaten up at least half my day, go me!!! All in all, I think it was a fairly decent weekend!

(yes, for those in the know, I'm glossing over some drama, but it's my blog, and I'll hide if I want to :P)

I'm published!!!!

I was debating what to call this entry, since I've had several updates since my last blog. First, my research paper has come out. I've yet to get a copy into my own hot little hands, but it's getting there - I know this since my co-author had emailed me on Tuesday to let me know he'd received our two copies, of which he's sending me one. I'll also be getting my normal copy, and finally, this is done, after only taking me forever and a day, otherwise known as 6 years :-)

Also on Tuesday, although a bit earlier in the day, I met with my evolution prof., and even though I just wanted to learn what types of answers she was looking for to prepare for the test, I ended up getting a couple more points, so I'm now slightly above the mean for the test. And, I now feel like I know what I'm doing in the class more!

Yesterday, while hanging out with Pandy, we did DDR (who'd have thunk it, addicts that we are, right :-) ), and I did several 5 and 6 step songs on Max 2, for the first time, and got "c" grades, on my first shot! I also managed to anchor us for the song I asked Pandy to anchor, which is "look to the sky" on max one, the 4 foot version, the one I've been failing repeatedly for weeks now, so it was good. Also, obrseamus came over (http://obrseamus.livejournal.com/), and the three of us hung out and had much fun!

Today, I got to meet up with a friend I haven't talked to in a while, and he gave me info on what the SCA's like right now, which sounds better than it has been, and better frankly then the camarilla is currently, since I do this for fun, and out-of-character politicking isn't fun for me!! Also, it was nice just to catch up, since I'd been wondering how folks were doing! I feel like I've been out of touch for ages now!

Best yet, tomorrow I get to have more fun, since Pandy and I are going to Phipps, yea Phipps!!!, and I will get to both enjoy green growing things myself, and get to watch her run around like a kid in a candy store since this will be her first visit. Also, obrseamus may be joining us when he's done with work, since he also enjoys green growing things :-) This gives me something to look forward to through o chem class. And afterwards, there shall be more DDR; and it will be good!!!!!!

Lastly for today, I am still questing to find the perfect blend of chai! I'm trying to find a chai that will convince me not to buy chai at panera, as it is really expensive, even though it's also very tasty. I have discovered that eat n parks chai milkshake is chai-worthy, however their other chai's just don't do it for me. I've also tried several chai's from celestial seasonings (2 tasty, 2 not for me, and 1 yet to find), tazo's (slightly disappointing), numi's organic (tasty), and twinning's voyage indian chai (much chai goodness, and nifty bags, but hard to find, and webpage doesn't like to let you order it). I have found that adding a touch of vanilla, either in creamer, or extract, makes every chai better (well except for the chocolate carmel one, but that one was too sweet to start with!). So, if there are any suggestions for good chai's, I'll be happy to taste test them! And, if anyone else is likewise searching for a great chai, I hope this helps!

I've been tagged...

OK, so I've just gotten my first "tag" from Pandy (http://pandoraanesidor.blogspot.com/), and I now know what my friends were talking about on Friday in regards to tags and such. So, here are 5 of my own idiosyncrasies,

1) I absolutely can't stand being bored! I generally take a book, or five, with me everywhere I go. If I don't have a book, then I have my PDA with me instead to keep busy with.

2) I'm obsessively organized. I can tell you where books are on my bookshelves, which DVD's are located where. And I have all of my books, dvd's, and pretty much everything else I own listed in my PDA, in categories and alphabetized, so I can tell if I'm buying a duplicate or not.

3) I can't spell, at all. I also can't do just about anything else that relies specifically on memory, so I'm horrible with names and dates as well. I also have a horrible time prouncing words, due to a speech issue I've had all my life. I tend to blur my words together, which really doesn't help when I'm trying to remember words/names and spell them. However, I can remember where someone put down their pen 5 hours ago, go figure.

4) I hate zombies. I didn't realize this until Dawn of the Dead came out, and I had nightmares for the next 3 1/2 weeks. I'm not joking. Every time I shut my eyes, I could picture, in great detail, almost every scene from the movie, and I couldn't shut it out. I was afraid to get out of my car when I would get home, and I usually don't have problems with anything like this. I've seen other walking dead style movies, and they never really affected me this badly, but those zombies were like badly messed up predators that didn't act like predators, and that just clashed with some part of my psyche. That movies messes me up to the point that I don't want to watch any movies with zombies (except Evil Dead, long live Bruce Campbell :P) since all those movies now bring back scenes from Dawn.

5) Aside from zombies, I love most supernatural things, be they in real life, movies, books, etc. One of my favorite warm weather activities is to go ghost hunting, esp. down in Gettysburg. I firmly believe in science, but I also believe science hasn't yet found out everything there is to know about the planet we live on. Hey, they just found a "Lost World" in Indonesia after all, and that's completely physical in nature. How much is there still to learn from the non-physical?

id•i•o•syn•cra•sy - a structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. Write down 5 of your own idiosyncrasies, then if you wish, tag 5 people

I'm not going to tag anyone, since I don't know who all is on this and Pandy's got most of the folks I knew for sure would be online.

And there shall be a time of rest...

First, I must say that Fridays rule! Seriously, after having my lazy day of the week, I've actually gotten some stuff done again, which always makes me feel better. My house was clean, at least before the mage game came over, and I'll fix it again tonight (at least until forsaken comes over on Sunday). I did my organic test, and it only took 2 1/2 hrs, when they usually take closer to 3 hours :-) I have this horrible habit of jinxing myself when it comes to tests, so I'm not going to say I did well, 'cause then I'll fail it, but I don't think I failed it, so that's good for now. I've also discovered that I actually quite enjoy retro-synthetic analasis, even if I can't spell it :P It's like my Geometry class (a hundred years ago), where I can take 15 different paths to get to the same spot. I always did enjoy puzzles with more than one right answer. However, I think I like the theoretical side of o-chem much more than I'd like the lab work involved, as I truly HATE sitting there for hours waiting for reactions to complete!

I also went over my genetics test, since the answer key was posted, and realized that I would have done much better if I had ignored the teacher about one of the questions. I had the right answer written down, but during the test the male prof "clarified" a question for us by saying the question was asking about the female's parents. Since that wasn't at all what the question was asking (and wasn't what I had originally put down), when I changed my answer to go with the new information, I got it wrong, which cost my 9 points that I would have otherwise had. *sigh* So, now that I've both figured out the problem, and had my mini-rant about it, I feel better. I'll just ignore any future "clarifications", and go with what the question is asking :-)

As far as evolution goes, I have a meeting on Tuesday with that prof to see what type of answers she was looking for so I'll know how to properly answer her questions on the next test, which should help.

In fact, these last few days have just been really good in general for me! I went to my endocrinologist (sp?) on Thursday. First, the receptionist didn't recognize me. Then, the doctor thought the weights listed were wrong, since I've lost another 25 lbs since the last visit in Oct, bringing my weight loss total to 50 lbs. Damn but it's good to have my hormones back on track; I had known that something was wrong when I wasn't able to get my weight under control, but when every doctor you see for 7 years can't find anything, you start to wonder. Not anymore though! My weight-loss has slowed some, but I'm still losing it (without starving myself), and I think I've backed up about 2 years at this point. Of course, my on-going addition to DDR is helping as well :-) My co-workers think I'm crazy, I swear, because as soon as one of the DDR songs comes on, I start dancing in my chair. But hey, at least it's a fun way to exercise!

Work has at last picked up some, so I'm not sitting here bored out of my mind, which is great! One of the reasons I liked this job in the first place is because if I'm not multi-tasking, I feel like I'm not doing anything, and I stop pushing myself as hard, so now that our button is back on the main page, and I'm back to having 20-30 chats a day, I'm getting stuff done again.

Now if it would only stop snowing and let spring come, life would be perfect! Stupid f*$%&*@# white s&^#!!!!!

UGH!!!!

Alright, so I got my test results back. I didn't do horrible, however I only did average, and that's not where I want to be. So, I've emailed both class's profs to ask them to post an answer key. That way I'll be able to see what types of answers they were looking for, and be prepared for the next exam better. I've been studying my o-chem, and I'm feeling a bit better about that test, which is good, since I now have another distraction on my plate.

See, I won two plane tickets from my office christmas party, and I'd like to be able to use them, however they both expire in July. Normally, since I have vacation days remaining, this wouldn't be a problem, however, since I'm also looking into taking a 3 week class that will interfere with my work schedule, I'll need to use vactaion days for that as well, and so I've got to decide between getting a chance to relax, and taking a class that I really want to take. And, if I do take the class, I need to figure out what to do with my cats, since I'll need to stay overnight at the lab; it's a 3+ hour drive from my house. Which means a pet sitter. Have I mentioned UGH yet?

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, as bad luck always comes in sets of 3, and I think I'm on # 2 still. We'll see.

Well, I survived my tests (I think). I have no idea how well I did on them, but at least I've survived the first on-slot, and it shouldn't be this bad again. My prof's are at least decent enough as to schedule their exams in advance and put them on the class syllabus, unlike my 3rd class. Speaking of Organic Chemistry, that test is coming next Friday; happy happy, joy joy. I can't begin to tell you how thrilled I am about that one.... Oh well, today's a very blah day anyways. I'm starting to get worn down a bit from my schedule, since right now the only times I have a bit of a break are on Wednesday after my lab, and Friday after my class. Damn it, I like my sleep! Pandy (http://pandoraanesidor.blogspot.com), my hamster's new mom, has got the right idea on that one for sure!

There's not really much new in my life right now as it is. We are expecting more snow (YUCK!!!!), it's cold, the groundhog has come and gone, leaving us with 6 more weeks of winter (gee, we couldn't see that coming from a mile away). I'm at work today, and bored (again). I should be studying, but just can't concentrate right now. I think I'd most like to be able to leave, and go to Phipps for the chance to be around some green growing things for a bit, but they'll be closed by the time I'm done with work. I think I'll be happiest after tomorrow is done, since I'm busier during the weeks then I am during the weekends, and I don't have as much time to just sit around and think. I will also be much happier when tomorrow is over; everyone at my office is in a tizzy because of the Superbowl. I helped decorate the entire office for a building competition (which we didn't win), and I don't even like football! I think the most fun I've had is sending my father a Steelers’s scarf for the game, as he's in Seattle now, and surrounded by relatives all routing for the Seahawks. I think the Seahawks are going to win, but saying that around my office is like a death wish right now :-) My manager is one of the "lucky few" going to the game - I think she won tickets from the drawing. I'd have sold them to save up some money; those tickets are going for outrageous prices right now.

Hmm, Phipps. That might be why I'm depressed right now as well. V-day is coming up, and the gardens are a lovely place to walk in the evening, plus Phipps puts on a nice celebration, not over-the-top like some places do. However, since I broke-up with my boyfriend a while ago, there's no one to go with me that could appreciate the atmosphere. There's a guy I'd like to maybe go with me, but I haven't a clue how he feels, or even if he has someone already. Also, after 5 1/2 years with the same guy, it's difficult to remember how to go through this dance!

Alright, enough depression! I think I'll distract myself by getting some books during lunch. That'll give me something to do today and tomorrow, since it's way too quiet here at work!