still alive, mostly

So, it's the 2nd week of my last quarter of classes, and I'm not sure how I feel about this. Oh, I am very happy to be almost done with school, and I am planning to stay done this time; the vague idea I had at one point of continuing to get a master's degree, and thus be able to teach is completely gone. I really am at the point where I can not stand the thought of going to class one more time. And yet, even with that, I'm still rather ambivalent about the end of classes. I have to wonder if this is just due to general exhaustion, mental and physical fatigue to the point of break down. I literally feel like I could fall into bed and sleep for a week, and not even notice how long I'd been asleep when I finally wake up. I have been under so much pressure, for so long, that I can't really comprehend what it will be like to have that halved. My breaks from class, such as they have been, are not really breaks. They are times to clean up the house, to go on trips and take more images for my portfolio; to prepare myself for the coming quarter in other words. What is it like to not go back to school? What will it feel like to not have my time be so limited?

The answer to that question actually scares my in a way; after 3 unrelenting years of this pressure from school (and more when you count the various "plannings" I've done for wedding, honeymoon, trips, etc), I'm honestly not sure what to expect from myself come June 18th. I know that I will spend much time collapsed in my bed, sleeping as much as I can in an effort to finally feel rested after the quarter - this is after all what I do during every break. But, when will it hit me that I'm...not...going...back...to...school? When will I really understand that classes are over, that the sleep I've gotten I'll be able to keep getting as long as I need to? When will I feel that I can stay up later then 15 mins after I get home, without fearing about what that will do to my schedule once I start classes. It's not really normal to go to sleep as soon as you go home, and yet that is what I've been trying to force my body to do for the last 3 years. What will it be like to be able to stay up until 10 AM (the equivalent of 10 PM for all of you folk on a normal work schedule)? How will I feel when I can read, play video games, play with the cats, clean, and just laze about? My life has for so long revolved around my school schedule; how will it feel to be able to go somewhere, just because Seamus and I want to do so, without needing to see whether classes are in session, or worry about whether it will be a place where I can get photos for my classes. I love taking photos, still, but I'd love to be able to take tourist photos without feeling like doing so is a waste of my time. I'd love to be able to just have fun with a camera in my hands again, and not always be worrying about whether I can use this image or not. Better still, to not have to go somewhere, when the weather is not co-operating or I am not feeling well, just because I have an assignment for class. At this point, I can only image how that most feel. I hope it will be glorious!