Introspection 101

Wow, 2 in a row. Who'd of thunk it, eh?

I guess what brought this on, was my driving from school to work, and wandering why I was having such Wisconsin (Pandy's invention as in Seamus isn't allowed to move to, because it doesn't exist) momment this past weekend. We did Tarot readings while the three of us were together, and I didn't like what the cards seem to be telling me. On the surface, it seems like it'd be a good idea to find someone who's a perfect match for you, but I realized on the way to work, that I'm afraid of finding someone like that for me. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have major trust issues left from my divorce, and the reasons behind my divorce. I really don't think I'd be able to handle trusting an SO to that point. I also would hate to have anyone have that kind of control over me again. Been there, done that, and it's a lot like being eaten alive!!!! Poets can write about love being great and wonderful as much as they'd like too, but it really isn't. It truly is much closer to OCD, which I know well, as I have more than a touch of it. Being compelled to check your email every 5 mins, to see if he's responded to your last email, or your phone to see if he's called you, is no different from being compelled to check your stove every 5 mins to make sure you turned it off. I don't want to want to dress up when I know I'll be seeing him; it's really a pain for me to do so (I really hate mornings!!!)! I don't want to feel compelled to smile everytime he smiles, regardless of whether he has the best smile in the world or not. I don't like the fact that I've grown to like his voice, and I don't want to be able to close my eyes and see his face! I like being independent, and answering to myself only. I don't like the thought of someone else in my life that I'll want to please enough to ignore my own needs. I already had that, after I made the foolish mistake of actually wanting a relationship that strong (be careful what you wish for...). So, I guess I'm a bit of a coward in this regard, which I never really thought I was in regards to anything. But I'm truly afraid of what I'd be like if I found my *perfect* man, and so I say Wisconsin!!!